


Our Elf of Sorrows

by smartpatrolmrdna



Category: Santa Clause (Movies)
Genre: :), F/M, Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, i dont know, i feel like my pacing is quick, not as cruel as it sounds in the tags i bromise, xmas, you tell me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-28 21:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15057719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartpatrolmrdna/pseuds/smartpatrolmrdna
Summary: Bernard lost all emotional feeling when Xmastime came around. Everything was dull and boring until one night he went to a bar and got drunk and woke up the next morning with a mystery.





	1. You've Got a Full House in Your Head Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Look, imma keep it real with you readers, this is me tryna create a slick modernist prose while Slightly projecting my religious troubles and seasonal depression onto an elf who's actor is now 40 years old. pretty sad. it also sucks that i have Not actually written fiction before this. I will definitely need feedback. so if you do read this PLEASE give me tips i'd greatly appreciate it.
> 
> -also, LATER in the fic, Bernard is diagnosed with neurosis and is depressed and I (author) do take pills and see a therapist and blah blah blah but if you think the representation and portrayal is wrong or weak, it probably is. not on purpose, of course, but i got lazy at some points. but i don't think i do anything too out of line. 
> 
> -The OC is referred to as (x) because I couldn't figure out a name and because i was gonna make her a reader-insert but then i switched it up on em and made her...... not great. and i wouldnt wanna do that to you guys. 
> 
> -Dialogue might be messy. not too confident in that. 
> 
> -Chapter titles inspired by Kate Bush songs and if you guys don't know who that is I highly recommend listening to her. A true goddess.

     Something about the simple beauty of Xmas was not the same for Bernard. All year round he is surrounded by the holiday, but there was always a certain, tingly feeling that came about at the end of November. The shiny gold of the ornaments grow even shinier, the red of the carpet on the floors become deeper; there seem to be more trees, more ribbons and brighter lights. The streets are flooded with carolers, snowmen, and big, flashy lights. Yet this year, everything around Bernard was dull, and all of the familiarity and warmth of his North Pole was gone.

     The elves' green and red and blue outfits looked sickly and pastel, and their skin a lifeless gray. The days would pass in an almost unnoticeable haze. Nothing felt real for the Head Elf, who was usually busy, agitated, and hard-working; but all he was now was just empty and tired. Even returning to his sacred home after work wasn't the same. While he did continue his nightly traditions from centuries before--casting an orange hue on his bedroom walls with seven candles, eating one candy cane at his kitchen table with a mug of hot cocoa, and mindlessly staring at the tapestry hung behind his bed--nothing felt real. The candles and candy cane were easy for Bernard, but his loneliness at the table did bring him down. However, the tapestry had always mystified him during the last thousand-or-so years. Many times he had caught himself in a trance while meeting the dominant, black eyes of the gorgeous woven woman. She'd been with him since he was just a tiny infant, just ten years old; it was gifted to him by his long-gone grandmother right before he was taken from his home.

     Bernard was absolutely in love with the North Pole. He loved working for Santa, being the elves' boss, and completely devoting his time to work. He'd even convinced himself that he did not need a man or woman to satisfy him romantically. All he needed was his devotion and unconditional love for the workshop (and some cocoa, of course).

     Yet, it wouldn't cause much trouble to know his own last name. Or where he came from. Just distant and slowly fading memories of his mom (hugging him and telling him he was a "special kid"), grandmother (tapestry and baking cookies with him), and older sister (teasing him and putting his hair in a ponytail) weren't suffice-able. But the current Santa, Scott Calvin, wouldn't know anything, so Bernard gave up on trying to ask.

     Thinking of his life before being an elf sent a jolt of panic shot through his brain, resulting with eyes shut tight and a brief shake to remove the thoughts.

* * *

     Climbing under his covers, he grabbed a hold of his large penguin stuffed animal. It comforted him during hard times, it was so soft and lovable. Bernard wrapped his arms and legs around the penguin's body and shoved his face into the back of it's head. His thoughts couldn't stop coming and he just wanted to sleep. 

_What if I don't like being in the North Pole and I'm in denial? I have so much work tomorrow and if I don't sleep I won't make it in time! What's this all for, why does it matter? Where did Xmas go? I hope nothing is wrong with Santa! Oh gosh what if he's dead and we get **another** replacement? What if he's planning on firing me? Maybe that's why I can't feel anything, I'm losing my elf magic! Uh oh._

For the first time in around five hundred years, Bernard cried. He cried beautiful, sparkly, translucent-turquoise tears, like the ones weeping statues cried. Now facing the ceiling with his curly hair neatly laid all over his pillow, the orange light of the candles hitting face, and his perfectly sad eyebrows, he decided that he needed a savior. A messiah. A pill, whatever it would take to lift him from his dejection.

* * *

     The next morning Bernard awoke to a completely white room. The candles blew out, removing the orange tint, and a great, white light shined through the window. 

      _Did I die?,_ he thought. He got up and strolled toward the window. Snow coated the sides and roofs of every apartment building and the gray clouds completely filled out the sky. Nothing to obstruct the blankness except for two, small, black cleared out windows. It was December 9th and he couldn't see any classic festivities taking place. No carolers, no lights, no decorations, no trees, nothing! 

      _Oh I died, I'm actually dead. Is any of this_ _real?_ Bernard couldn't take the reality of this situation. He just wanted to distract himself from this, so he put on his clothes, ate his morning cookies, and begun walking to the workshop.

     The minute he stepped out of his building, he noticed everything. Everything was there. Tinsel football; smiling families; radios blasting Xmas tunes, it was **all** **there.** The elves that walked by Bernard gave him odd, melancholy glances. 

     He'd been feeling bad for a little over a week now, and that was more than enough time for the workers to notice Bernard's loss of motivation. As he entered the workshop, his eyes were wide open and mouth tightly shut and he hastened to his office in quick, erratic movements to avoid the elves that showed up before him. The sight of his secluded office let him exhale while sliding down the back of the door. He sat there for a moment with his eyes shut, but soon remembered he had work to do. There was a giant stack of paperwork on his desk that, once he started working on it, decreased in size without him knowing. It was all meaningless. After there were no more papers for him to grab and he snapped out of his trance, Bernard worriedly looked around the room. What simultaneously felt like a lifetime and no time at all was just a brief twenty-five minutes. 

     "Oh my goodness," he moaned, beginning to bang his head against the desk. He did that a few times before he got tired, then moved on to jumping around his office, and after that he ran his fingers through flames in the fireplace. To feel _something_  was all he wanted. He pulled his hair, banged his head a few more times, and chugged the scorching hot cocoa he had on his desk. Nothing happened, except a little soreness in his throat, but Bernard still felt the same. 

     He laid down on the floor with his arms spread apart with his tears putting a light blue hue on the blinding white light shining through the skylight. Sighing, he sat up and looked out of the window and onto the courtyard. Nothing except for two black picnic tables he'd never seen before. 

     Bernard had it by then, his temper fuse was shortening. He jumped to his feet (almost passing out from the blood rush) and wiped the tears off his cheeks as he rushed to Santa's office.

     Scott was doing his first check on the Nice List while sipping a big mug of cocoa as Bernard walked in. 

     "Hello, Bernard! How've you been? You've seemed tense the past couple weeks."

     The anger and fire Bernard was holding in his throat had suddenly withered away. He managed only a few words without sounding choked up, "Don't you worry about me, just a bit stressed," he coughed. "But.. I have been wondering.. do you feel any _different.._ this season, Scott?"

     "No, how come?"

     "Ok, just wondering. Things feel just a little off, but I guess it's only me."

     "Alright, if you have any problems just let me know," Scott said reassuringly. 

     "Sure thing, boss," Bernard nodded and hurried out of the office.  _Do I go back and let him know I **just** had a meltdown? No way, it's too much to explain and he's a busy man. _

He was helpless and alone. And during the final stretch before Xmas Eve. 

 

 

 


	2. Symphony in Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bern goes to a bar and wallows some more until he gets drunk and hits up a fun club. Fuk out my way when ya see me, im rollin with the eLfGBT

     Eventually, a few hours passed and the work day was over. Tired and beat from the miserable day he had, Bernard should've gone home, but there was something pulling him in another direction. Pulling him all the way downtown to the bars and clubs, apparently.

     It was a rare sight to him, the tall-ish buildings; the big, flashing signs; the sleigh-taxis taking home drunk elves. He'd been invited to a few parties there before, but he always turned them down. It was obvious they just invited him to be nice. The only other time he's been downtown before was 500 years ago with his first--and only--romantic partner. But Bernard doesn't like remembering that. His heart was broken, and thankfully it was before he became head elf since he stayed home for **three whole days** afterwards. 

     He tried to forget everything about that elf, but Bernard could never shake the image of his deep, black eyes staring into him with meaning; and subsequently sleeping in the same bed. In the same room. Bernard's room. 

      _No, no,_ he thinks to himself,  _not going there._ He arrived at a small, secluded bar and immediately ordered a spiked eggnog and sat in a dark corner. There were a few other elves at the bar, but they were all quite blue as well.

     One spiked eggnog turned into two, and then three, and finally a fourth until Bernard decided it was time for him to go socialize. And he wouldn't get anywhere by sulking in a lonely corner, so--he may have taken a while, but he still stood up and stumbled out of the bar. 

     Downtown looked different now. Radiating beautiful green and red and blue lights and being so loud and busy it made him feel small. But the good, productive kind of small that made him feel like a successful female lawyer in New York City. He giggled aloud at that image. 

     Bernard wanted to look around the new downtown, but every time he lifted his head up from the ground, it hurt and fell back down. All he could see were his boring, black shoes and the dark, dirty sidewalk and it made him sad. Suddenly something made Bernard stop in his tracks, a supernatural being, if you will, looked him dead in the eyes and said, "come with me."

     To Bernard, it felt like they teleported into the club, but as he looked around, he thought he might've gone to where the Leprechauns lived instead of a club. There were rainbows on everything! 

     "There are rainbowson everythingg," he slurred to his tall friend. "Hhi, I'm Bernard, why are you taller than me?" Bernard is recognized as the tallest elf in the North Pole, so he was awfully confused by him.

     His friend laughed and stood mighty close to him, "Haven't you ever been here before? You're so hot there would be boys crawling all over you."

     Bernard blanked for a second until his eyebrows twisted into a confused shape, "Is this. What?"

     "The eLfGBT bar!" this freakishly tall man rested his hand on Bernard's shoulder and was dancing to the incoherent loud music. 

     "Listen, thank YOU for bringing me here but I am NOT interested in you," he pushed the man's hand away and walked over to the bar to look for other, less scary people.  _Was he that tall for real? Why can't I see him anymore? WHere did all the little people come from?_ There may have been blue tears rolling down his cheeks but he wouldn't know. If there were, they weren't caused by anything too important. His eyes were racing and his legs were bouncing. Noticeably enough for a woman to bring him a drink and ask if he was alright. She had paint on her face, but it was only a couple colors of the rainbow as opposed to all of them. Blue, purple, and pink. The tasty drink was that color, too!

     Bernard blinked and was in the ladies' bathroom making out with her on a sink. 

     He blinked again and he was in the mens' bathroom making out with a guy this time. 

     The next time he blinked, it was in the morning and he woke up in his bedroom with the knowledge that there _was_ someone there overnight.


	3. Strange Phenomena

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kill bill alarm. bernard wakes up the next morning and is like "oh shit!" and has an interesting day at work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been so long since ive updated this one, i thought no one liked it. but this is the only work that's gotten a kudos, so!!!! happy and sad simultaneously!

     Religion was never mentioned in the North Pole. The word, if brought up, meant absolutely nothing to them. It's like an enigma. Of course, there were elves that (voluntarily) came to the North Pole from  _all_ over the world, where there were different religions being observed, but none of them practiced anything. The concept of religion would trouble them and cause arguments, things elves aren't supposed to experience. 

     The original Xmas story, the one with Jesus, is unheard of. Younger elves don't even know who Jesus _is._ All Xmas books are either devoid of the story OR the pages that mention it are ripped out. 

     But, of course, Bernard knew. Who do you think tore out all those pages?

     Anyway, the word "angel" is not recognized or used in the Pole, so when Bernard classified the elf slept with as an angel, he knew something was up.

     When he woke up and realized the mistake he made, he also noticed that the angel wasn't next to him. Subconsciously, Bernard wished it was just a dream, but that couldn't be possible. He still tasted the soft, sweet lips on his, and there was an empty condom wrapper on the floor. As great as it must have felt for drunk Bernard, something in his gut told him it wasn't right.

      _Was it a girl?,_ he asked himself.  _Am I gay? No, no._ Shaken from his feelings, he slowly slid up to sit in his bed. He was relieved that there wasn't a severed reindeer head under his covers, like in  _The Santafather_ ( _The Godfather_ but elf version. Some filmmakers in the Pole wanted to recognize the  _huge_ mafia problem down there). 

     Bernard stumbled into work an hour later, black coffee in his hand and hair tied up in a ponytail. The elves stared at Bernard, they had never seen him this way; without his hat and ESPECIALLY not with coffee. 

     Around seventy years ago, Bernard approached Santa with a rule PROHIBITING coffee in the workplace; elves had cocoa and eggnog and that's all they needed for energy (coffee sent them absolutely off the wall). 

     He gave a meaningless smile and waved and quickly proceeded into his office. The elves had noticed something was wrong with their boss. His usual snappy and agitated character had just been standing around and looking dazed instead of giving actual orders, and that's  _if_ he came out of his office.

     No big stack of papers on his desk this time, he had noticed as he shut the door behind him, but there was a letter and a candy cane on his desk. Bernard slowly walked up to the letter, and as troubled as he did feel about the previous night, he  _did_ want to see who he brought home. And if he had learned anything from his past relationship, it's that he's an easily devoted person. 

    Anyway, the letter was probably just one of Santa's occasional "you can do it!" notes he gave out. As Bernard inched closer and closer there was a feeling of unease and discomfort in his stomach. He has never had a one-night stand with anyone, and even if he was going to, it definitely wasn't going to be in  _his_ apartment.  _His_ private, intimate apartment. Bernard felt sick. 

    His hand was trembling as he placed it on the green envelope. He ripped it open and saw pretty, swirly handwriting.

     _This can't be a boy elf then,_ Bernard thought. The note read as so:

      _Hello, Bernard!_

_My name is (x) and I live next door to you! I know we've never spoken, but I always see you entering the building, so I feel              like I know you (in a non-creepy way, I PROMISE). I just wanted to ask you if you are alright. The past couple of weeks you've seemed really down and I just want you to know that I am always here to talk! I am very rarely out, so you don't have to worry about me not being home! Also, last night I heard strange sounds and banging from your apartment. I hope I'm not coming off as invasive, I just thought I'd let you know, but I didn't see anyone leave for the rest of the time I was awake. Just want to make sure everything's ok!_

_Merry Xmas,_

_(x) :)_

Not what he'd expected, but he wasn't upset either.  _This is so nice!,_ he thought as he noticed the lemon-flavored candy cane she attached to the letter (his favorite flavor!) Bernard felt blood rush to his cheeks and a real smile came to his face. He felt that way until he re-read the letter again and noticed she didn't see anyone leave his apartment.

      _They probably left after she fell asleep._ Bernard was very worried, even though he just thought of a logical explanation, there was a chance of it not being true.  _How's that possible? Of course there was a person there!_

* * *

 

     Immediately after work Bernard rushed home, too preoccupied to notice his surroundings. He needed to talk to his neighbor so he could find out more. He knocked on her door with his foot since had two full mugs of cocoa in his home when he arrived; one for him, one for her. She opened the door with a big, black, smiling eyes.

     Bernard spit out his words like he was about to choke, "Hello so what do you mean you didn't see anyone leave my apartment I brought you some cocoa may I come in?"

     She giggled and took a step back, allowing him in, "I'm gonna need you to repeat most of that."

     "You said, in the letter, that you saw no one walk out of my apartment. Please elaborate."

     "Oh! Yeah I didn't see anyone walk in either, but maybe I just wasn't paying attention. I was reading a book when I saw  _you_ walk in."

     "No one? In or out?"

     "Nope!"

     "Did you hear any voices? Ones that weren't mine?" Bernard asked.

     "Nope, no talking, just... other kinds of noises. But nothing that didn't sound like you or the bed," (x) explained. Bernard's face was flushed.  _What happened? Was there really no one there? What!_ He didn't want to explain anything to her because he felt almost extraterrestrial.  _I know I don't remember much about the person, but there was definitely someone there!_

Bernard was staring into space for a little while, not noticing anything, until (x) rested a hand on his shoulder and asked why he was crying.

     "I'm crying?" He couldn't feel the tears. Although, he could feel himself shaking. Before the lump in his throat increased, he needed to slightly explain things to her, he felt way too embarrassed. "I-uh-think I might be losing my mind, haha. This is very confusing, I'm sorry I'll explain tomorrow goodnight," he left out of fear of what would happen next. Running into his apartment, he met the eyes of the Holy Woman on his bedroom wall and jumped under the covers, sobbing.

      _What is wrong with me?_ , he thought. It couldn't have been fake. There was a condom wrapper on the ground! 

     One of the only feelings Bernard had felt in a while and it wasn't even real.


End file.
